Mercedes de Acosta

At one of the dinner parties in Hollywood, I met Paul Brunton who had written a book called A Search in Secret India. When I read this book it had a profound influence on me. In it I learned for the first time about Sri Ramana Maharshi, a great Indian Saint and Sage. It was as though some emanation of this Saint was projected out of the book to me. For days and nights after reading about Him I could not think of anything else. I became, as it were, possessed by Him. I could not even talk of anything else. Nothing could distract me from the idea that I must go and meet this Saint. From that time on, although I ceased to speak too much about it, the whole direction of my life turned toward India and away from Hollywood. I felt that I would surely go there although there was nothing at that time to indicate that I would. Nevertheless, I felt I would meet the Maharshi and that this meeting would be the greatest experience of my life¹.

In Madras I hired a car and, so anxious was I to arrive in Tiruvannamalai that I did not go to bed and travelled by night, arriving about 7 o'clock in the morning after driving almost eleven hours.

. . . The ashram was a small place. I remember only a stone hall where day and night Sri Bhagavan sat on a couch. Not far from this hall, scattered around the hill, were small houses where some of the disciples lived, including his brother.

. . . When, dazed and filled with emotion, I first entered the Hall, I did not quite know what to do. Coming from strong Sunlight into the somewhat darkened Hall, it was, at first, difficult to see. Nevertheless, I perceived Sri Bhagavan at once, sitting in the Buddha-posture on His couch in the corner. At the same moment I felt overcome by some strong power in the Hall as if an invisible wind was pushing violently against me. For a moment I felt dizzy. Then I recovered myself. . . . . I was able to look around the Hall but my gaze was drawn to Sri Bhagavan, who was sitting absolutely straight in the Buddha-posture looking directly in front of Him. His eyes did not blink or in any way move. Because they seemed so full of light I had the impression they were gray. I learned later that they were brown, although there have been various opinions as to the color of his eyes. His body was naked except for a loincloth. I discovered soon after that this and his staff were absolutely his only possessions. His body seemed firm and as if tanned by the Sun, although I found that the only exercise he ever took was a twenty-minute walk every afternoon at 5 o'clock when He walked on the hill and sometimes greeted Yogis who came to prostrate themselves at His feet. The rest of the time, day and night, and for over half a century, He had been sitting on his couch. He was a strict vegetarian, but He only ate what was placed before Him and He never expressed a desire for any kind of food. As He sat there He seemed like a statue, and yet something extraordinary emanated from Him. I had a feeling that on some invisible level I was receiving spiritual shocks from Him although his gaze was not directed toward me. He did not seem to be looking at anything, and yet I felt he could see and was conscious of the whole World . . .

¹ The above is an excerpt from the book "Here Lies the Heart" by Mercedes de Acosta. Published in 1960 in the USA , this book has been dedicated to "Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi — the only completely egoless, World-detached, and Pure Being I have ever known". In her book, she says that she arrived at Sri Ramanasramam on 22nd November 1938 from Pondicherry and stayed for three days and three nights. Upon her return home she sent a list of questions to Guy Hague, a friend who was staying at the Ashram then (In "Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi", there is a record of answers given by Sri Bhagavan to these questions.)

I looked around: squatting on the floor or sitting in the Buddha-posture or lying prostrate face down, a number of Indians prayed — some of them reciting their mantras out loud. Several small monkeys came into the Hall and approached Sri Bhagavan. They climbed onto his couch and broke the stillness with their gay chatter . . .

After I had been sitting several hours in the Hall listening to the mantras of the Indians and the incessant droning of flies, and lost in a sort of inner World, Guy Hague suggested that I go and sit near the Maharshi. He said, "You can never tell when Sri Bhagavan will come out of samadhi. When He does, I am sure He will be pleased to see you, and it will be beneficial for you, at this moment, to be sitting near Him."

I moved near Sri Bhagavan, sitting at His feet and facing Him. Guy was right. Not long after this Sri Bhagavan opened His eyes. He moved His head and looked directly down at me, His eyes looking into mine. It would be impossible to describe this moment and I am not going to attempt it, I can only say that at this second I felt my Inner Being raised to a new level — as if, suddenly, my state of Consciousness was lifted to a much higher degree. Perhaps in this split second I was no longer my human self but the “Self”. Then, Sri Bhagavan smiled at me. It seemed to me that I had never before known what a smile was. I said, "I have come a long way to see you."

. . .I had stupidly brought a piece of paper on which I had written a number of questions I wanted to ask him. I fumbled for it in my pocket, but the questions were already answered by merely being in His Presence. There was no need for questions or answers . .

To write of this experience with Sri Bhagavan, to recapture and record all that He said, or all that His Silence implied, is like trying to put the Infinite into an egg cup. One small chapter cannot in any way do Him justice or give an impression of his Enlightenment, and I do not think that I am far enough spiritually advanced — if at all — to try to interpret His Supreme Knowledge. On me He had, and still has, a profound influence. I feel it presumptuous to say He changed my life. My life was perhaps not so important as all this. But I definitely saw Life differently after I had been in His Presence, a Presence that just by merely 'Being' was sufficient spiritual nourishment for a lifetime. It may have been that when I returned from India undiscerning people saw very little change in me. But there was a change — a transformation of my entire Consciousness. And how could it have been otherwise? I had been in the atmosphere of an egoless, World-detached, and completely Pure Being.

. . . Before leaving the Ashram I wrote down several questions for Guy to ask Sri Bhagavan that I had not had a chance to ask myself. I had been bothered by the fact that so many Saints and enlightened people had been ill and suffering physically. I asked, should they not have perfect bodies and why do they not cure themselves? In Europe I got a letter from Guy saying he had discussed my question with Sri Bhagavan. He wrote, "Sri Bhagavan told me to tell you that the spiritually perfect person, need not necessarily have a perfect body. The reason, as he explained it, is very simple. You see, the ‘ego’, the ‘body’ and the ‘mind’ are the same thing. The spiritually perfect person, like Sri Bhagavan, is above these three things. Consequently He has no ‘body’ to heal, neither a ‘mind’ or ‘ego’ — to heal it with. He is beyond all this because it is ‘illusion’. He is living in Reality. Christian Scientists can take the mind and heal the body — for they are the same thing. American Indians heal, too, in this manner. It is ‘faith healing’. But if the spiritually Perfect Person is sick in ‘body’ it is because the ‘body’ is working out its Karma. Sri Bhagavan gave an illustration of Karma, which He says is like an electric fan and must just run its course, only gradually ceasing even after it has been turned off. He says the ‘mind’ is born into ‘illusion’ and builds a ‘body’ and a World to suit it — that is, a World that it has earned and deserves (by its Karma). Sri Bhagavan, knowing the ‘body’ and the ‘mind’ to be ‘illusion’, cannot experience any bodily ailment or discomfort. We make Him suffer pain, loss of weight etc. It is in ‘our minds’, not His. He is bodiless, actually is, though you and I cannot realize this as a fact."

In another letter Guy answered my questions, which led to others. He wrote down my questions and Sri Bhagavan's answers.

Question: Is reincarnation a fact?

Sri Bhagavan: You are incarnated now, aren't you? Then, you will be so again. But as the ‘body’ is ‘illusion’ then the ‘illusion’ will repeat itself and keep on repeating itself until you find the Real Self.

Q: What is death and what is birth?

B: Only the ‘body’ has death and birth, and it (the body) is ‘illusion’. There is, in Reality, neither birth nor death.

Q: How much time may elapse between death and rebirth?

B: Perhaps one is reborn within a year, three years or thousands of years. Who can say? Anyway what is ‘time’? ‘Time’ does not exist

Q: Why have we no memory of past lives?

B:’Memory’ is a faculty of the ‘mind’ and part of the ‘illusion’. Why do you want to remember other lives that are also ‘illusions’? If you abide within the Self, there is no past or future and not even a present since the Self is out of ‘time’ — “timeless”.

Q: Are the World, the ‘mind’, ‘ego’ and the ‘body’ all the same thing?

B: Yes. They are one and the same thing. The ‘mind’ and the ‘ego’ are one thing, but there is no word to explain this. You see, the World cannot exist without the ‘mind’, the ‘mind’ cannot exist without what we call the ‘ego’ (itself, really) and the ‘ego’ cannot exist without a ‘body’.

Q: Then when we leave this ‘body’, that is when the ‘ego’ leaves it, will it (the ‘ego’) immediately grasp another ‘body’?

B; Oh, yes it must. It cannot exist without a ‘body’.

Q: What sort of a ‘body’ will it grasp then?

B: Either a ‘physical body’ or a ‘subtle-mental body’.

Q: Do you call this present ‘physical body’ the ‘gross body’?

B: Only to distinguish it — to set it apart in conversation. It is really a ‘subtle-mental-body’ also.

Q: What causes us to be reborn?

B: ‘Desires’. Your unfulfilled ‘desires’ bring you back. And in each case — in each ‘body’ — as your ‘desires’ are fulfilled, you create new ones. You must conquer ‘desire’ to be absorbed into the One and thus end rebirth.

Q: Can sex change in rebirth?

B: Oh, surely. We have all been both sexes many times.

Q: Is it possible to ‘sin’?

B: Having a ‘body’, which creates ‘illusion’, is the only ‘sin’, and the ‘body’ is our only ‘hell.’ But it is right that we observe moral laws. The discussion of ‘sin’ is too difficult for a few lines.

Q: Does one who has realized the Self lose the sense of ‘I’ ?

B: Absolutely.

Q: Then to you there is no difference between yourself and myself, that man over there, my servant, are all the same?

B; All are the same, including those monkeys.

Q: But the monkeys are not people. Are they not different?

B: They are exactly the same as people. All creatures are the same in One Consciousness.

Q: Do we lose our individuality when we merge into the Self?

B: There is no individuality in the Self. The Self is One — Supreme.

Q: Then individuality and identity are lost?

B: You don't retain them in deep sleep, do you?

Q: But we retain them from one birth to another, don't we?

B: Oh, yes. The ‘I’ thought (the ‘ego’) will recur again, only each time you identify with it a different ‘body’ and different surroundings around the ‘body’. The effects of past acts (Karma) will continue to control the new ‘body’ just as they did the old one. It is Karma that has given you this particular ‘body’ and placed it in a particular family, race, sex, surroundings and so forth.

Sri Bhagavan added, "These questions are good, but tell de Acosta (he always called me de Acosta) she must not become too ‘intellectual’ about these things. It is better just to meditate and have no ‘thought’. Let the ‘mind’ rest quietly on the Self — in the cave of the Spiritual Heart. Soon this will become natural and then there will be no need for questions. Do not imagine that this means being inactive. “Silence” is the only real activity."

Panchamukha Darshan of Arunachala