Nagalakshmi (My Mother)

My mother is my upaguru. For it was she who showed me Sri Bhagavan even while I was in the crib by singing the third song of Ramana Stuti Panchakam to me as a lullaby:

“Of bright Gold Form, full blown lotus-faced One! Personification of Rare Realization, spreading fragrance all over the Earth! Having heard of Your fame, poor as I am, I looked for You throughout the World and reached You here, my Gracious Lord! Wise Ramana, Hill of Light. (1)

“Oh, Brahmin who dwells in Virupaksha Cave on the Sacred Hill of Light called Sonagiri! Oh Primordial, Eternal Treasure, oh Ramana, the Pure! Make me Your own without testing me. You are indeed the Supreme Being!” (2)

“Let me place Your Soft, Holy Feet on my head, at this very moment, to gain the Life free from pain and be cured of the disease of recurring births! Ramana, reborn in Self, living silent in Arunachala, unknown even to the Gods, tell me when I shall attain You, oh pupil of my eyes!” (4)

“Lord Ramana! I sought Your Holy Feet. You are Knowledge untiring, Silence and the Supreme Thing beyond ‘thought’. Your Heart is the Centre that unifies the individual and the Supreme. You are the Ultimate Reality that endures beyond birth and death.” (9)

At that time, I did not understand Sri Bhagavan, the Guru or the Self. But it was this lovely lullaby extolling Sri Bhagavan that sowed the seed of awareness of Him in me, and finally guided me to remain at the Lotus Feet of my Master. When I was around one and a half years old, my mother often had me in her lap when we were in Sri Bhagavan’s Hall. Then, she would slowly push me in the direction of Sri Bhagavan’s sofa so that I could crawl towards him. I would try and climb up the sofa but the attendant would pick me up and place me back on my mother’s lap. This was a daily occurrence. One day, I moved towards the sofa and just climbed up. Sri Bhagavan, who had been watching all this, supported me with His left leg lest I tumble down. He pressed His right foot on my head, remarking, “He has been making an effort every day to achieve this. Today, there have been no hurdles. He has succeeded.” I was able to get this prasad of Sri Bhagavan’s Holy Feet on my head because of my mother. My mother, who showed me the real Sri Bhagavan, would always declare, “I only gave birth to your body. Sri Bhagavan is your True Mother.” In this manner she trained me to have true Bhagavan-Consciousness.

When my mother was admitted in the local Government Hospital, the Government Doctor who attended on her, Dr. Sundaram, a ranked military officer, held her in such high respect that he used to prostrate first to her before checking her pulse. And as the hospital had only a common ward with two rows of fifteen beds, with no provision for a separate room for my mother, Dr. Sundaram graciously gave her his private room with its bed, attached bathroom, etc., an act for which I am eternally grateful to him.

But, since his bed was too high for my mother who was quite short, I had to carry and lift her up whenever I had to put her back on the bed. I felt blessed doing even this small act of Mathru Seva! I would come daily with dinner for her at around 8 pm, stay the night watching over her and return to the Ashram at 4 a.m.

During the day, my cousin sister, Gomathi, would take my place in the hospital. Gomathi’s mother, my aunt, was very fond of my mother and used to keep her food ready for me to pick up. When handing over the packed food, she would pinch my check — hard enough to hurt me — and scold me: “Because of you my sister is in the hospital. You have not got married and that has affected her so much that she has fallen sick.” At first, I took this as a joke. But, when she repeated it night after night, it started bothering me. So, one night, after feeding my mother and putting her on her bed, and hesitantly told her, “Amma! Your elder sister is accusing me daily of being the cause of your illness. She says it is because I have refused to get married that you have fallen ill. And, my looking after you here every night is only to pretend that I love you and show off that I am serving you. Amma! Is it true?” My mother ordered me to immediately lift her from the bed onto the floor. The moment I did as she wanted, she fell at my feet. I was shocked and cried out, “Amma! You are my guru! You are my revered mother! It is I who should fall at your sacred feet! Not you at mine!”

Before I could continue, she closed my mouth with both of her hands and said, “You know how I am proud of you — proud that I could be the mother of such a blessed son! In fact, not only do I not want you to get married, but I also do not want you to lead the Worldly life of a grihastha. Understand this! By remaining a brahmachari, you are performing the Divine act of preventing the creation of generations of jivas bearing lorry loads of prarabdha karma! Ganesa! Within a hundred years of your married life, you would have been responsible for creating a thousand prarabhdha-filled jivas! Though you are born in the Sacred family of Sri Bhagavan, you too will have a load of prarabdha karma to exhaust. One’s prarabdha itself is so hard to eradicate! Imagine then, being responsible for a thousand jivas — each with their heavy load of prarabdha to exhaust! By remaining a brahmachari, you have saved a thousand jivas from being born, and having to suffer their prarabdha. How noble a vow that is! That’s why I wanted to prostrate to you! May you live long and happily as a brahmachari and serve Sat-Guru Sri Ramana! I whole-heartedly bless you, my dear son!” Deeply moved, I embraced her in gratitude before laying her back on the bed. And once she was comfortable, held her sacred feet and drenched them with my joyful tears! Till then, I had worshipped my mother as my upaguru, the one who showed me and made me accept Sri Bhagavan as my one and only Guru. On that day at the Government Hospital, she revealed to me that she was a fully blossomed Jnani. I repeatedly prostrated to her.

After this happened, another great revelation took place. My mother got cardiac asthma in 1980. She was suffering from severe pain and was admitted to the local Government General Hospital. However, there was no suitable treatment for her condition. Even oxygen cylinders were not available there. During that time, instead of going around the hill at night as I usually did, I used to sleep in the hospital at night and return around four in the morning to the Ashram.

On one such night, the Chief Doctor called me aside and warned me, “Your mother’s condition is critical. She will die. Take her to a bigger hospital in Chennai.” Although he spoke in a low voice, my mother had an idea of what the Doctor told me. She called me and asked, “What did the Doctor say?” I had no choice but to tell her. She said, “Give me your word on two things.” I nodded. She continued, “First, promise me that under no circumstances will you take me away from Arunachala. My Guru, Sri Bhagavan, came to Arunachala and never left this place until He dropped His body. Likewise, do not allow anybody to take me away from here, no matter what the circumstances are. Secondly, I must die when I am in a state of Full Consciousness. Please allow that to happen because if I die in that state, then I will not have any rebirth. Even if I scream in sheer agony, do not allow the Doctors to give me morphine or any other sedative. Let my body suffer outwardly. Inwardly, I will have merged in Silence.” I kept my promises even though the Doctors chided me, “You are an educated fool. You claim to love your mother, but you are a rakshasa, a demon. Just look at her plight!” I bore it all without uttering a word.

Before she left us, I prostrated before her and entreated, “Mother, are you going to leave me? What will I do?” I wept uncontrollably. She tried to soothe me, saying, “Do not cry. Be happy! The ‘body’ has to die one day. Do not give such significance to this ‘body’. Shift your focus from my ‘body’ to my State of Being. Inwardly, I am immersed in Peace. The Being transcends both the ‘body’ and the ‘mind’. Cling to the ever free Being and allow the ‘body’ and the ‘mind’ to fade away as they should. By not pampering them, they remain your servant. You become the master when you start paying sole attention to your Inner Being. My blessings are with you.” My mother further blessed me by adding, “Sri Bhagavan will bless you. I gave you only your body. Sri Bhagavan is your True Mother.” With her third blessing she said, “Serve Sri Bhagavan faithfully by practicing His Teaching. His grace is His Teaching.” When I sobbed uncontrollably, she comforted me by saying, “I constantly feel Sri Bhagavan’s Holy Presence, Ganesa! That is enough for me!” She passed away fully conscious in the midst of all her kith and kin at the foot of Arunachala. I helped carry my mother’s body and we performed the final rites.

My mother was a devotee who was a Jnani, a truly realized soul. Yes! There is a great purpose in leading the spiritual life! And that purpose is to obtain the Guru’s Anugraha, which alone can completely destroy all our stored up prarabdha karma!