4. MARRIAGE

D: The expenses of marriages rise sky-high if dowry is involved. Many parents suffer as a result. What is Acharyal’s view about dowry?

A: Dowry is not sanctioned by the śāstra-s. Kanyā-dāna (gift of a girl) itself is a great gift. No dowry is necessary to make that gift complete. The śāstra-s say that kanyā-dāna can be done even during the impurity period of one year after the death of the girl’s father. From this, one can understand how worthy that gift is. The practice of accepting dowry has arisen only because of greed. It should be eliminated.

D: Does Acharyal advise disciples to refrain from seeking dowry?

A: That is My advise to all, whether they are disciples or not. Nowadays, many say that dowry should not be accepted but only a handful put their statement into practice. Only when people choose to abstain from demanding or giving dowry will this evil practice come to an end.

D: What is the opinion of Acharyal as regards lavish spending on marriages?

A: The śāstra-s say that in a marriage ceremony the mantra-s should be chanted properly. Nowhere have the śāstra-s prescribed that a grand reception party be held or that expensive silk sarees and different varieties of jewels be bought. New clothing does not mean expensive costumes. If huge expenditure is incurred in marriages, the śāstra-s are not to be blamed. If people spend money extravagantly, is it not their fault?

D: Among the subsects of Brahmins, such as Vadamal and Brihacharanam, can a person belonging to one subsect marry another belonging to a different subsect?

A: The śāstra-s do not say anything about such subsects. As far as the śāstra-s are concerned, people belonging to the same gotra should not marry among themselves. However, the śāstra-s do not prohibit inter-subsect marriages.

D: In some places, there exists the practice of a girl marrying her uncle or uncle’s son or some other relative. Some scientists opine that such alliances are not conducive to the health of the offspring. Is there any injunction in śāstra-s that such marriages should take place?

A: In the first place, while there are explicit instructions with regard to upanayana and saṁnyāsa, there is no explicit injunction in the Veda that one should get married! However, it can be understood, after going through the Vedic mantra-s pertaining to marriage as also Smṛti texts, that the Veda-s permit marriage. There is no rule in the śāstra-s that one should get married to one’s relative. Nor is matrimonial alliance between relatives totally prohibited. It is My contention that it is not proper for one to get married to one’s uncle. Getting married to relatives has come into vogue by practice. People can themselves decide whether such alliances should be encouraged or not.

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❑ Discourses of Acharyal

Man has got what is known as “pitṛ-ṛṇa” or obligation to his forefathers. These days, people want their family line to keep growing. The same feeling was there even in our forefathers. By begetting good citizens, they brought about the growth of their family line. Hence, continuing the family line is also a duty. So, the student is asked to do that by getting married.

Nowadays, the answer to the question, “Whom should you marry?”, is considered to be, “One should marry a girl who appeals to the mind and the eyes.” Today, some people deem it unnecessary to consider even whether the gotra of the boy and the girl are the same or whether the boy and the girl are very closely related to the extent forbidden by the śāstra-s. We now hear that, according to medical science, the farther the relationship between a husband and wife, the better, as the chances of a familial genetic defect affecting the offspring is less. However, when it comes to a lustful one, it is said, “Those afflicted by lust have neither fear nor shame.” As such people have neither fear nor shame, they may do anything. However, once they get married, they begin to think ways of obtaining a divorce! This is not how things should be.

In the Rāmāyaṇa, we see that Rāma had Sītā for His wife while He was at Ayodhya; She was His wife in the forests and He continued to have Her as His wife even when Rāvaṇa abducted Her. Thus, Rāma, under all circumstances, had only one wife. Further, Sītā was the crest jewel amongst chaste wives. Rāma and Sītā were an ideal couple. By imitating Them, people can lead a grand, married life.

During the marriage ceremony, it is said, “While engaging in any religious act, while earning money and while enjoying worldly pleasures, you should not desert me.” Making this promise, the couple get married. However, nowadays if it is asked, “Who uttered these words?”, the answer would be “The priest who conducted the marriage.” This is because the boy and the girl are unaware of the promise; it is the priest who has learnt, by rote, the words concerned, who utters them. This is the level to which we have degenerated. Just because the import of a rite is not obvious to someone, it does not follow that the rite is without significance.

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One possessed of strong vairāgya and a burning desire for liberation from the snares of samsāra would do well to lead a life of brahmacarya. To such an aspirant, married life is a mere obstacle serving no useful purpose. This is not to derogate married life. Even Śrī Rāma and Śrī Kṛṣṇa led lives of householders. It is the householder who sustains a saṁnyāsin. By leading a life of detachment, in spite of being in the midst of worldly activities, the householder not only raises himself up spiritually but also becomes a great source of good to the world. By dedicating all actions to Īśvara and acting as an instrument in His hands, the married man is not tainted even though he is in the midst of the world. By constantly performing vicāra and dhyāna, he can definitely go along the path of spirituality. There have been householders who have been jñānin-s and such people are there even today. The scriptures sanction saṁnyāsa for those householders who have attained strong dispassion with regard to worldly life.

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❑ Parables of Acharyal

A pilgrim, on the way back to his town, halted at a dharmaśālā. He appeased his hunger there with the free meal offered to him. Then, desirous of doing good and acquiring puṇya, he joined the inmates in serving food to the pilgrims who had come there. Thereafter, he helped in cleaning up the place. Before retiring for the night, he engaged in conversation with the others, expressed his sympathy to those who voiced their personal problems and also gave them beneficial suggestions. He behaved as if the choultry was his home and the persons there were his family members. Yet, his mind was fully at peace and he left the next morning without the least hesitation or regret. After he returned to his home, a person asked him, “Where did you spend your last night?” “At the dharmaśālā”, he replied. “What transpired there?”, asked his relative. “Nothing of consequence. I ate there, slept and left. That is all.”

A married man has many duties and responsibilities and has to face many a problem affecting his family. The scriptures and Bhagavatpāda graciously advise him to lead his family life without attachment. He ought to be like the pilgrim during his stay at the dharmaśālā. He will then perform his duties and face family problems effectively and efficiently but without any mental agitation.

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❑ Experiences of Devotees

In the year 1970, I had been to Acharyal to submit to Him about the marriage of my first daughter. Acharyal initiated her into a Kṛṣṇa-mantra and blessed that she would be married into a very good family. Within three months of her doing the japa, her wedding took place with great pomp and show. Her in-laws are well-to-do people and are also great devotees of Sringeri Math. [Smt. Ganga Bhagirathi Natarajan]

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Once I submitted to Acharyal the responsibility that had fallen on me, consequent on the demise of my father, of fixing suitable bridegrooms for my youngest sister, my daughter and my brother’s daughter. His Holiness closed His eyes for a few seconds and directed me to perform Saṅkaṭa-hara-caturthī-vrata commencing from the next Kṛṣṇapakṣa-caturthī day and said that the divine grace of Lord Mahāgaṇapati would remove all impediments.

Accordingly, I commenced the vrata. After the first pūjā, I happened to go to Bombay. There, for a few days, I attended the Rāmāyaṇa lectures of Sengalipuram Anantarama Dikshitar. On one night, I had to drop Sri Dikshitar at his place of stay when he enquired whether I would be staying in Bombay till the end of His Rāmāyaṇa discourse. I told him that I was flying back to Bangalore the next day, as I had to perform the Saṅkaṭa-hara-caturthī-pūjā on the following day, as directed by His Holiness. He immediately said that there was a suitable bridegroom in Salem and if I could show him the horoscopes of all the three girls, he would be able to say as to which of them would match with that of the boy. I showed him the horoscopes. He suggested that I send all the three horoscopes to the father of that boy and that, in his opinion, my daughter’s horoscope agreed very well with that of the boy in Salem.

I returned to Mysore and, on the day of the pūjā, wrote to Dr. Ramanatha Iyer of Salem who is also a staunch devotee of Sringeri Math. He readily replied confirming the agreement of my daughter’s horoscope with that of his eldest son. They offered to come after about 10 days. He and his family came on the caturthī day in the bright fortnight and we settled the marriage the same day in the month of May. On the 10th of June 1959, again a śuklapakṣa-caturthī day, the marriage of my daughter took place. In the marriage-pandal itself, the proposal for my sister’s marriage was finalised and, as the bridegroom was away in Bhopal and was expected in January 1960, that marriage took place in February 1960. Thereafter, the monthly pūjā-s were continued and in September 1960, the marriage of my brother’s daughter was also performed in Bombay. Therefore, as the objective of the vrata, the settlement of the three marriages, had been fulfilled after due conduct of the monthly pūjā-s, Acharyal directed that I could complete the vrata and perform sahasra-modaka-gaṇapati-homa and continue to do the homa every year. [Sri P.R.Harihara Iyer]

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