The Form He Saw Once

He had no one but his mother. She was a simple woman and a servant, and she bound him to her with her love, the only child she had. She wanted to provide for him and keep him safe, but she was not her own mistress, and the whole world is in the Lord's hands, like a wooden puppet. So the boy stayed on for her sake in that house of brahmins, five years old, knowing nothing of the world.

One night his mother went out of the house to milk a cow, and in the dark she stepped on a snake, and it bit her, and she died. The boy took it as the grace of the Lord, who wishes peace for those who are his, and he set out toward the north.

He walked alone through rich country, past cities and villages, cattle-pens and mines, hamlets and market towns, gardens and groves; past hills streaked with coloured ores, trees whose branches elephants had broken, clear pools and lotus ponds; through thickets of reed and bamboo and grass. At last he came to a great forest, terrible to look at, the haunt of snakes and owls and jackals. Worn out, hungry and thirsty, he bathed and drank in a river pool, and his weariness left him. He sat down in that empty forest at the foot of a pipal tree and meditated, as he had been taught, on the Self within the self.

As he meditated on the Lord's lotus feet, his mind overcome with love and his eyes full of tears, Hari came slowly into his heart. His body thrilled all over with the weight of love, and he sank into a flood of joy in which he saw neither himself nor the Lord. Then that form, lovely to the mind and taking away all grief, was gone, and he stood up suddenly, shaken and downcast. He tried to see it again, fixing his mind in his heart, but he could not, and he was like a sick man who cannot be satisfied.

As he struggled there alone, the one who is beyond words spoke to him in a deep, gentle voice, as if to soothe his grief. In this life you will not see me here again, the voice said. I am hard to see for those whose stains are not yet worn away. I showed you this form once to awaken longing in you, for longing for me slowly lets go of everything else in the heart. Through your service of the good, even for so short a time, your mind has become firm in me. Leave this world behind, and you will be one of mine. This mind fixed on me will never fail, nor will your memory, even when the world is drawn in at the end, by my grace.

The voice fell silent, and the boy bowed his head to the one who is greatest of the great. Then, putting all shame aside, singing the secret and holy names of the endless one and remembering his deeds, he wandered the earth content, without craving, without pride and without envy, waiting for his time.