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Bereavement

O INFINITE Papa! In my twentieth year my husband passed away, with the result that at first for some time my mind became blank. Then my grief became unbearable. A feeling of destitution seized me and I was utterly miserable. Even a year prior to my husband’s decease, you willed through my husband, that I should take a vow of perfect chastity. After his death, the fear of any lapse in this vow tormented me.

O gracious Papa! I had heard people saying that if a wife died within one year of her husband’s demise, she should be considered as having died in the lifetime of her husband. Therefore I thought of putting an end to my life within one year of my husband’s death so that I could fulfil this condition and keep up my vow of chastity. As I was from the beginning afraid of drowning or death by fire I decided upon terminating my life by swallowing opium.

O Papa, the protector of the humble! In Malsiras, where I lived at the time, many people were addicted to eating opium. Without anybody’s knowledge I collected it, procuring it from different servants for two or four annas each time and that too, once in about eight or ten days.

O all-pervading Papa! The last day of my husband’s death anniversary was fast approaching. It so happened now that I had to pay a visit to Pandharpur where I had often been going on pilgrimage. This time when I was there I stood before the deity in the temple of Vithal, who is none other than yourself, and prayed: “God, grant me death soon without involving anybody in trouble on account of it.”

Next I approached the image of Rukmini, who is also yourself, and prayed: “Goddess, the responsibility of taking care of my sons, Ganesh and Narayan, rests with you. Further, their future progress and prosperity in all manner of ways depends on you only.” I then returned to Malsiras.

O compassionate Papa! I resolved to swallow opium in the night. My habit was to sleep between Ganesh and Narayan on the floor. That night I did not sleep there. Instead, I placed two pillows, covering them with a cloth where I used to sleep and, after taking opium, laid myself down a little away from them on the bare floor. Prior to my doing so I wrote a letter stating that I died by a snake- bite, and kept the note under my pillow. Besides, I had placed the photo of Sri Siddharudha Swami near the spot where I rested my head.

O kindness-incarnate Papa! Whenever I started any kind of work, I used to apprise it to all the pictures of the saints and deities. As usual, that night also I prayed in front of them. The last of them was the picture of Samarth Ramdas. Although the quantity of opium I had swallowed that night was more than enough to produce the desired result, I could not get sleep. While I was restless for getting sleep I saw at my head Samarth Ramdas himself walking to and fro. I was delighted to behold him, but had the desire still in me to die. I gazed at him by raising my head. He was moving about for fifteen minutes.

Ganesh, who would not normally be disturbed at night in his sleep, suddenly woke up and, calling my mother in-law, Anasuyakka, asked, “Where has mother gone?” The result was the instant disappearance of Samarth Ramdas. The noise and enquiry that ensued brought to light the fact that I had taken opium. Now my brother-in-law, Dr. Rama Rao, the elder brother of my husband, administered to me an emetic and saved me from the hands of death.