← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

17

Spiritual Illumination

O PAPA, the ocean of kindness! You asked me to compose songs like Mirabai and others. To this I did not agree.

Then you questioned me, “In that case what do you want to be like?”

I replied, “I do not wish to be like anybody.”

To this you asked, “Do you wish to be like Ramdas?”

I replied, “I don’t want to be like you, a Guru carrying on the work as you do. I want to be one with your eternal and infinite Being and know you and I are one. Besides, nobody should know that I have realised your immanent and transcendent Being.”

This kind of prayer was often rising in my heart.

O all-pervading Papa! in those days, although I was saying that you were all-pervading Papa, this conviction having not taken root in me, I secretly felt that I had reverence and devotion still to your form. You told me that this mental attitude of mine was responsible for the delay in attaining the knowledge of the Self – that is yourself. Truly, I had intense love for you, just as a child has for its mother. Because of my love for your form it was difficult for me to realise your immortal Being. Hence you advised me, with the object of expanding my narrow vision, to embrace with love the entire universe. In order to free me from attachment to your form, you imposed on me strict restrictions that I should not speak to you, that I should not see you and I should not do any service of you. Further, you bade me to stay in Rame’s house and not come to the Ashram. Moreover, you told me, so that my mind may go inward, that I should write down all that I did during the course of the day and what thoughts came into my mind. I am giving here briefly what I noted down at that time:

“Papa, Truth is yourself, untruth is yourself.

“Papa, Eternal is yourself, non eternal is yourself.

“Papa, Purity is yourself, impurity is yourself.

“Papa, All-powerful is yourself, weak is yourself.

“Papa, Kind is yourself, unkind is yourself.

“Papa, One is yourself, many is yourself.

“Papa, Auspiciousness is yourself, inauspiciousness is yourself.

“Papa, Permanent is yourself, impermanent is yourself.

“Papa, Love is yourself, lovelessness is yourself.

“Papa, Peace is yourself, wrath is yourself.

“Papa, Imperishable is yourself, perishable is yourself.

“Papa, All is yourself, everything is yourself.

“O Papa, compassion, love, peace, bliss, power, the very being of knowledge! For your child Krishnabai you are all and all-in-all. For her, except you there is none. Having manifested yourself as the entire universe you are at once the player and the witness of all play. Having yourself become everything, you and Krishnabai are one. O Krishnabai, the almighty and all-pervading Papa is dwelling in your heart! He and you are verily one. You are formless and also with form. You are invisible and you are also visible. Peace is yourself, confusion is yourself. Eternal is yourself, non-eternal is yourself. Purity is yourself, impurity is yourself. Filling all space you are the peace and bliss which are the basis of your cosmic manifestation. You are He! He is you!

“O Papa, the embodiment of compassion and love! Thus you transformed your child Krishnabai into the very expression of bliss. To behold your personal form is bliss, so also not to see you as such is bliss. To remember you is bliss, so also not to remember you is bliss. That you are in my heart is bliss, so also to forget that you are in my heart is bliss. Your giving me anything is bliss, so also your not giving me anything is bliss. To ask you and get is bliss, so also not to get is bliss. The bliss is within you, so also without you.

“Krishnabai, Papa who is in your heart and you are really one. All are yourself, all are yourself, all are yourself.”

O compassionate Papa! In this way some days passed and you permitted me to come again to the Ashram. When I came to the Ashram, you at once instructed me to sit down for meditation. Before this I had never sat for meditation. Even when I tried to do so, I used to be overpowered by sleep. Therefore, I was doing Ram Nam Japa when walking, sitting and lying down, besides when serving you with my hands. I did not like to allow others to see my meditation and Samadhi. So when asked to sit for meditation I told you, “I do not want it.”

Then you told me, “All saints got the highest spiritual experience only on practising meditation. Ramdas thought that you may, if Ram wills it so, get the experience even without sitting for meditation. But now it seems definite that you should practise meditation.

“For meditation, sit erect and never move your body even to the smallest extent for any reason whatsoever. As you advance, at some stage you may see some bright light and also get frightened. These should not cause your body to move. You should not fix your mind on Ramdas’ form. You should take all thoughts that are coming into your mind as not yourself, and you should consider yourself above all thoughts and that you are the all-transcendent witness Consciousness.

“While the Kundalini is ascending, if you move your body even a little, the power will descend immediately and it will take a long time for it to rise again.

“The ascent of the Kundalini up to Bhrukuti (Ajna) can be achieved without much difficulty. But, for that power to go from Bhrukuti to Sahasrara it is extremely difficult. The external help of the Guru can take you only till the Kundalini reaches Bhrukuti, that is, near the goal of Self-realisation. Beyond it Ramdas cannot help you as a form outside you. Ramdas, the absolute Truth within you, will then, by his grace, raise the power to Sahasrara and make you one with himself. This will give you the experience that you are the entire universe and beyond it.”

O kindness-incarnate Papa! As I did not know how to sit for meditation, you taught me how to do it by yourself sitting in a particular posture. When I sat for meditation in the night as instructed by you, you were examining my face with a light to find what changes were appearing on it. Moreover, the next day you questioned me as to what experience I had gained during meditation the previous night. But I was extremely pained to confess that I had not achieved any spiritual experience as described by you.

Then you remarked with some agitation, “So many days have passed, yet you have not attained anything. The reason for the delay is that you still have attraction for Ramdas’ form or you must have moved your body when sitting in meditation.”

Because of the delay I was very much upset. I used to weep and also pray to you within me with a highly perturbed mind, like a demented person, that you should soon make me realise my oneness with you. I thought I should better die than remain any longer without realising you.

Papa, you are indeed permeated with compassion. As usual, when I sat for meditation that night, suddenly I felt at the tip of the toes a sensation as if ants were creeping up. As this gradually spread upward, the already affected lower parts became dead, as it were, and the parts above became lighter. When this sensation reached the heart, I had a frightening shock.

O all-pervading Papa! Now I mentally debated with you within me in this way: “You said that you pervaded me internally and externally, but my state now is really fearful. However, I shall not give up until I fully realise your immutable and immortal Being.”

The fear then disappeared and a sort of joy welled up in my heart, and I saw a light. Then I practised saying as you had taught me: “I am neither fear nor joy nor light. I am beyond these.” Both these feelings of fear and joy and also the light then disappeared. When the power rose above the neck, all my thoughts ceased and with it my contention with you.

O all-merciful Papa! Thus the power ascended from the neck to Bhrukuti (Ajna). From there, by your infinite grace, it rose up with more speed and brilliance than that of lightning. About the experience I had at that time, nothing could be said except that I had indescribable bliss. How did this happen? What is all this? Even for these thoughts the mind was not there as it had dissolved in your eternal Being. How long I remained in this state on that night I did not know. When I came out of it, that is, to the awareness of the external world, I felt: “I am the universe and also beyond it.” So long as I had the body- idea, I used to feel that I was the body from head to foot and that it was mine. In the same way, now I got the experience that I was the entire universe, it was mine and I was beyond it.

O Papa, you are without beginning and without end. Since I was absorbed the whole night in your true Being, in the morning I had not any initiative to get up or to do any work and so I could not do your service as usual. When you pressed me to take food I took a little of it. As I had no desire to see anything, with a view to remain absorbed in you, I used to lay myself down with eyes closed. As I lost all external consciousness I did not know how time passed, nor was I aware that I was sometimes lying down with my legs turned towards you.

O infinite Papa! When you were giving me the experience of Samadhi by making me sit for meditation, as the power within me reached the centre of Bhrukuti, my mental state was the same as when I was moving about in your service and doing the Japa of Ram Nam. In fact, I did not know then to what state I had reached. You made me sit for meditation with the sole object of granting me the needed experience of Samadhi.

O Papa, the ocean of kindness! Just as you are pervading every particle of my body and causing different kinds of actions in it, making me feel all the time that this body was myself and mine, similarly you now granted me the exalted experience that you and I are one, by raising me to a state in which you made me aware that I am the entire cosmos and beyond it.

O compassionate Papa! How can I describe your real Being which is all and beyond all, without beginning and without end, immutable, static and infinite! How can I compare the imperishable Being with the perishable objects!

O Papa, the giver of bliss! I was in this state for several days and when I was coming to the awareness of the external world, I was doing your service and absolutely necessary work for taking care of my body or any service of others. I was doing so in a spirit of indifference. At this time, in spite of my being immersed in your Being all the time, I could not find joy in doing any work or service. I did not like to get back to the awareness of the external world from the state of obliviousness of it and the consciousness of immobility and eternity. Therefore, I was feeling that I should remain always forgetful of the body because I got so much joy in that state. You were instructing me that I should practise Purushottama Yoga in which I would at once experience the peace of the static state and also feel side by side the bliss of movement by doing all actions by the body.