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Persecution & Crucial Tests

O PAPA, the protector of your devotees! During this period, Srimat Anandashram Swami one day happened to come to Kasaragod. Getting the information of the Swami’s arrival, you came to Kasaragod in the form of G.S. along with a companion.

O Papa, the lover of the humble! When Dr. Rama Rao was living in Sirsi, G.S. had visited his house for the eye operation of his mother. Since G.S. was acquainted with Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari he was put up with them in Kasaragod on this occasion as well. He was posing not only as a devotee of Gandhiji but also of Srimat Anandashram Swami. He told us that he was following the Swami wherever he went. When the Swami visited Sirsi he was there also.

O compassionate Papa! It was not the custom for the Swami to give Tirtha to widows. So we four or five widows were very unhappy on this account. But G. S. somehow managed to get us the Tirtha from the Swami’s hand. Therefore, all of us held G.S. in high reverence. He was telling us often many incidents relating to the greatness of the Swami. To listen to these talks I used to join the others of the house.

O love-incarnate Papa! This was all your way to test me. I found out that G.S. was after all a wolf in sheep’s skin. As days passed, he started to persecute me, going even to the extent of exerting force on me in the house. By this I was not only extremely pained but was also seized with the fear of how I could safeguard my chastity.

O universal Papa! I had believed till then that I could preserve my chastity by living at home, but after what happened as related above, I gave up the notion, “The house is mine”. Since you were mine, I considered the entire universe as mine. Should you intend to ruin me through any form you assumed I would not mind, even if it occurred when I was cast into the streets. When I made up my mind like this, G. S. could no longer trouble me. So my blind confidence that a woman living at home could protect her virtue and chastity received a rude shock and was so totally shattered that my confidence was pulled out, as it were, with its very roots.

O kind-hearted Papa! Then I began to visit your Ashram whenever I liked. Having come to know of this, either Sundari or Rame used to send with me some eatables for you. Once it so happened that I could not get any eatables to take with me. Since I did not want to go to you empty-handed, I bought a loaf of bread from a shop and took it with me. Sundari, who came to know of it, paid the price of the loaf to the shopkeeper.

O Papa, the Divine Mother! Once Sundari had no money. So I opened a credit account in a shop and bought bread from there. The shopkeeper was daily asking for his money whenever I passed by his shop. Since I had no money to pay him I tried to remove from my hands the gold bangles which I was wearing, but as it was not possible to remove them easily I pulled them out by beating them loose. I offered them to the shopkeeper in payment of the dues. Then he cast his looks around him and, discovering a man watching what I was doing, refused to accept the bangles. Coming home I handed the bangles over to Sundari. Sundari, procuring from somebody the needed amount, gave it to me and I paid off the debt.

O loving Papa! Once when I was in the Ashram I saw a helpless woman wearing a tattered piece of cloth for lack of a sari. She asked me in all humility for a sari. How could I obtain a sari there? Since I did not need a sari of eighteen cubits which I was then wearing, I went beneath a tree and, tearing it into two pieces, gave one to the woman. When I returned home Sundari questioned me as to why my sari had become short in length. I explained to her the reason and she immediately bought a new one and gave it to me. I wore this sari of eighteen cubits only for a few days. Another woman again begged of me for a sari and in this case as well I divided mine into two parts and gave one piece to the woman. As usual, when I returned home Sundari noticed again that I wore only a cut piece of sari. She then asked me if I needed, any more, a sari of eighteen cubits. I replied that if I had a sari of that length I would not be able to resist giving a piece of it to any other needy woman. Thenceforward I have been using only saris eleven cubits long.

O compassionate Papa! With the object of making me your own in all respects, you tested me in various ways, ending with a crucial test as to how far I had any attachment for garments and gold. Your Lila is wonderful!

O Papa, the lover of the devotees! Sometimes while I was proceeding to you in the Ashram I would return home half-way, remembering Ganesh, Narayan, Sundari and her children; then, when I again thought of you I would restart and proceed towards the Ashram. In this way I would retrace my steps every second furlong and then go forward. Noticing me doing this people came to believe that I had gone off my head. Hearing this state of things about me, Anasuyakka came in great haste and tendered advice to me in all possible ways. Truly, Papa, you did not turn me mad after the transitory worldly pleasures but kept alive in me the insistent longing for eternal happiness. Anasuyakka warned me that I should not go alone to the Ashram, stressing the point that this advice came to me from Ram Himself, as the fact is that everyone is Ram. Thenceforth, I was not going to the Ashram without a companion.