← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

6

Who is My Saviour?

O PAPA, the Divine Mother! In Sirsi where I lived in the house of Dr. Rama Rao, there was a devotee who had received initiation from Srimat Pandurangashram Swami. His name in initials was Sri N.V. R. He was a married man and lived the life of a householder as commanded by his Guru. He was held in high reverence by all the people in Sirsi. Being acquainted with us he was coming to our house now and then. Once, Anasuyakka requested him to initiate her with the Guru Mantra in the same way as Srimat Pandurangashram Swami had initiated him. He agreed and a day was fixed for the rite.

When the appointed day arrived, Anasuyakka arranged two seats in the shrine-room – one for him and the other for herself – and awaited his coming. As I wished to be present at the initiation, with their permission I stood in the room. In fact, I had for a long time a very keen longing to be initiated by both Srimat Pandurangashram Swami and Srimat Anandashram Swami. In fulfilment of this ardent desire, Sri N.V.R., when he came into the room, asked Anasuyakka if he could initiate me instead of her, as he noticed that I had more concentration than her. On Anasuyakka agreeing, I was asked to sit on the asan prepared for her. Now Sri N.V. R. explained to me in detail about the initiation of Ajapa Japa he had from the Swami of Chitrapur Math and then initiated me.

O compassionate Papa! Since you are Sri N.V.R. playing as a householder, I feared that I might be caught up in worldly life. So in a day or two I abandoned the repetition of this new Mantra.

O all-pervading Papa! It so happened that Ganesh fell down twice and broke his wrist. Thinking that this might be due to the evil influence of planets, Anasuyakka went to an old priest of a nearby temple of Subramanya, taking with her the book containing all the horoscopes of the family with a view of getting Ganesh’s horoscope examined by him. He said it was all due to a malefic planet in his horoscope.

O Papa, the storehouse of compassion! It was my custom during the period of every Ram Navami festival, which lasted for seven days, to read the Tulsidas Ramayana, Bhavartha Ramayana or Ananda Ramayana. In the midst of reading these sacred books I would open at random the book I was reading and, after a prayer to God, look into it to find out the good and bad in store for me in my future life. To my painful surprise I would every time light upon the passages in the Ramayana describing the forcible kidnapping of Sita by Ravana, and how the demonesses who guarded her would frighten her, and lastly, how Hanuman reached Lanka and stood before Sita. I was afraid that such an incident might happen in my future life. So with curiosity to find out what my horoscope predicted in this matter, I went to the temple priest when he was alone. I made him aware of my fears and asked him to keep the matter confidential. He agreed to read my horoscope when I went to him the next day.

On the night I returned from the priest I had a dream in which I saw a serpent pursuing me with its hood raised. Thoroughly terrified, I started running away from it, but wherever I went I found the serpent close at my heels. At last I climbed the compound wall and jumped down on the other side of it. Instantly I awoke from the dream. Although this was a mere dream, after waking I felt pain all over the body. Filled with fear, the very next day I went in great haste to the priest and recounted to him my dream in all its details. I anxiously asked him what the consequences of the dream would be. I also asked him to read my horoscope and tell me what it predicted about my future. In response, he at first said: “Even if we desire to have such dreams we don’t get them. The serpent that you saw is none other than Subramanya who is worshipped in the temple, and he has favoured you with his Darshan.”

Then he scrutinised my horoscope and declared that it would be extremely difficult for me to preserve my chastity. The moment I heard these words I felt as if lightning coursed through my body. The priest could not say how I would be able to escape this danger. I questioned him if it was not possible to avoid this perilous contingency by the Japa of all the Mantras I had received from the four saints (whom I looked upon as one Guru), and by performing their service. His answer spelt nothing but despair. Seeing no way to protect my physical purity I gave up all hope.

O kindness-incarnate Papa! Understanding the agony of my heart the priest, who is yourself, gave me assurance in these words: “If you obtain a Guru who is a Jeevanmukta and who will lift you up to his own exalted state you shall triumph over this impending fate.”

But who is such a Jeevanmukta Guru? What are his characteristics? Where can I find him? These questions racked my mind one upon another. I mentally addressed the Gurus who had previously initiated me: “Believing you all to be Jeevanmuktas I sought initiation from you. If, as the priest says, you are not ordained to save me from this peril and grant me the supreme liberation, please do search out for me a befitting Guru and confer on me also the firm conviction that all of you saints are one and the same in different forms.” In this manner I prayed to you in all humility day and night with tears in my eyes.