All chapters13 of 42

Inner Struggle & the Call

O KINDNESS-INCARNATE Papa! Before you started from the Ashram you gave me the feeling that wherever you happened to be, you would be always with me, and so the grief resulting from your separation did not affect me. Rame also joined me in chanting Ram Nam as she had great faith in the Mantra.

O Purushottam Papa! When you were in Kasaragod I could not pass even a day without taking your prasad. Now, after you went away, I would eat the remnant of the food taken by anybody whom I looked upon as yourself.

Once it so happened that I did not get any prasad. So my mind got very much agitated and I was walking hither and thither on the verandah of the Ashram. I asked within myself, “Are you not giving me prasad today?” That instant a wandering dog came to the Ashram and vomited on the steps. Seeing this, with great joy I exclaimed, “Compassionate Papa! Hearing my prayer, you have come in this form to give me prasad!”

Saying this I accepted the prasad. Thereafter my eagerness for prasad disappeared.

O infinite Papa! After some time, as Gurudev was unwell you came back to Kasaragod to see him. I was happy at your unexpected return. After a few days you started again on tour and returned in a few months.

O Papa, the ocean of compassion! A few weeks after you came back from tour, Dr. Rama Rao, having finished his advanced studies abroad, returned and came to take us to Dharwar. When he arrived, thoughts came to me that I was very happy in your company, and I wondered whether I would feel your separation after I left Kasaragod. How to know if I was fully established in you? As it was usual that whenever I had any doubts, you would give me the answers even without my expressing them to you, this time also you told me, “You have realised Ram. He has become yours. It must be understood that if you do not feel the separation from Ramdas, you have attained spiritual perfection.”

You then asked me to go with Dr. Rama Rao and came to our house at Kasaragod to bid farewell to me.

I started in 1930, two days before Chaturthi, for Dharwar. On the way I could not bear your separation and felt as though you were far away from me. I had not felt so bad previously even when you had gone on tour. So my belief that I had attained spiritual perfection was not correct. I came to know truly that I had yet to attain that blessed state and for some reason my way to it was blocked. So my mind having fallen, I experienced excessive sorrow. At the thought of my imperfection, waves of grief arose in my heart. I tried to control my grief out of the fear that otherwise my ardour to realise my oneness with you might diminish. I thought: “If I allow my mind to be depressed like this it would be difficult for me to protect my physical purity. Besides, I would not be able to achieve the experience of my oneness with you.”

O Papa, the lover of the humble! Therefore, the desire to join your presence soon became intense again. After reaching Dharwar, Dr. Rama Rao received a transfer order to a place called Colaba near Bombay. So, in the company of Anasuyakka and with Ganesh and Narayan I resided at Dharwar in the home of Anasuyakka’s younger brother. At this time I had developed the feeling that not only were my relatives mine but also all the people whom I met. So I was taking my meals sometimes at my home and sometimes at the homes of others. In this manner, as I was taking meals in different homes daily, my mind became calm and was filled with a strange joy. Then I understood that if I took meals only in one home my mind would go into the world and it would not be possible for me to do Japa of Ram Nam. So I could not resist taking at least some food in the homes of others. Since all the people in the world are the embodiments of my Mother, I found it beneficial to take food which they offered me with love. I discovered that the rule that Sadhakas should live upon food procured by alms was quite proper. The people at home did not like my going every day to other homes for my food. They were sorry as they believed that I was going because I felt that I was not looked after well by them. From the worldly standard, their point of view was not wrong. But I could not avoid going to the homes of others. I was acting according to my faith and initiative and I did not trouble myself to explain to them the reason for my strange ways. I knew that you were testing me through those forms. Truly, since you are omniscient, what was there for me to tell about anything?

O Papa, the lover of devotees! As days went by, the people at home, not having understood my ways, started criticising you and me adversely. I could not bear all this.

While I was at Kasaragod, although they were speaking ill of you, I looked upon them as yourself and considered that you yourself were slandering yourself. So their censure did not affect me. Later, I remained unconcerned when they talked ill of you. But now every bad word they said about you struck me like an arrow and I became angry.

O Papa, the protector of the helpless! All these happenings dragged my mind to a still lower plane. I thought that if I went on at this rate my desire to become one with your eternal Being would remain unfulfilled and I might again suffer misery by getting entangled in worldly life. This thought unsettled me and I firmly made up my mind to join you as early as possible in order to fulfil my burning aspiration.

O all-pervading Papa! So it was that I decided to leave the home in which I lived, with the object of meeting you again. Before coming to you I wanted to go to Bombay and some other places.

O Papa, the ocean of compassion! One day I resolved to start. At that time there was in the house the sister of Anasuyakka, whose name was Bhavaniakka. She was bed ridden with illness. There was another woman also who was unable to do any work. The male members used to go out for their work and the children to school. At this juncture Anasuyakka thought that if she remained at home she would be blamed for my going away from the house. So, that very morning she went to a house in the neighbourhood. If anybody came to our home then there would be nobody in it even to offer a glass of water. I came to the conclusion that if I took all these matters into consideration I would not be able to become one with your eternal Being. I then told Bhavaniakka, I am going.” I saluted her and made myself ready to start. She was so much pained that she took me in her arms, embraced me tightly and asked me not to go. I struggled, freed myself from her embrace and made my way straight to the railway station with the only sari I wore.

O Papa, the ocean of grace! On my reaching the railway station, Golikere Sanjiva Rao, son of Anasuyakka’s sister, and his friend came there, bringing with them some of my necessary clothes. They pressed me to return home. But I did not agree and as soon as the train arrived I boarded it. At last they procured a ticket, gave it to me and then tried to persuade me to accept the balance of the amount they had.

O Papa, the protector of your devotees! Now my mind was utterly confused. I felt I should not touch money because you and Sri Ramakrishna did not handle it. But if I refused, it would be an insult to you as you have, in my eyes, become everything. I told you mentally that I would have money with me only as long as it was essential for my use. I accepted the amount offered with love by Golikere Sanjiva Rao.