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Trials of a Woman

O BLISSFUL Papa! I came to believe that those who pose as saints, instead of living an unrighteous life in the garb of Sannyasins, getting women under their control and following the path of Adharma, would do better if they lived a normal worldly life.

O compassionate Papa! From my childhood I had seen several such saints. Instead of seeing in them, as described in books, equal vision, absence of attachment, no desire to accumulate wealth and such other qualities, I found they were prey to frailties such as likes and dislikes, and they lived an objectionable life worse than those who were involved in worldly life.

O Papa, the ocean of kindness! In my eighteenth year I had received initiation of a Mantra from Sri Tammanna Sastri, a disciple of Sri Gondavali Maharaj. Although this saint was worthy of reverence, I was afraid of talking to him familiarly. I felt at the time that it was enough for me to do the Japa remaining at home; even if I did not get the Darshan of God, I should see that my honour was safe guarded.

O kindness-incarnate Papa! In order to free my mind from these doubts about saints which I harboured in my mind from girlhood, you brought me to the Ashram of Sri Siddharudha Swami. Although Sri Siddharudha Swami was carefully accumulating wealth, I had intense devotion and reverence for him. You converted me into an innocent child and dispelled all my doubts.

O all pervading Papa! Thus you liberated me from the maze of doubts in order to absorb me into your eternal Being; and with a view to bringing about this fulfilment you placed me in such a situation that it might be termed as between the devil and the deep sea. My position was this: if I remained at home I would be pursued by a perverted G. S. and would have to struggle for the protection of my chastity. On the other hand, if I left the home I was afraid of facing ruin by falling into the trap of unprincipled men.

O love-incarnate Papa! Now, realising that it was impossible for me to safeguard my physical purity while remaining at home, placing all my faith in you, I mentally renounced the home and started coming to you. From that day G. S. could not in any way molest me. As I had surrendered myself completely to you, I became free from all anxiety, just as a child would feel in the arms of its mother.

O omnipresent Papa! Before I renounced the home, the moment I thought of such renunciation I reflected what my fate would be if I could not protect my chastity even after coming to you. Having come to know of my state of mind, you spoke to the devotees who were sitting around, “If you wish to accept Ramdas as your Guru, you should test him well before doing so.” In this way you dispelled the doubts that were arising in my mind.

O Papa, the lover of devotees! Ultimately I renounced the household life. By my remaining with you, you were subjected to adverse criticism by people but, compassionate as you are, you granted me the realisation of your immortal Being and removed totally from my mind all bad thoughts about so called Mahatmas and also the fear of my being led astray by their contact. You thereby made me eternally happy.

O all-pervading Papa! After I realised your real Being and during the time I was carrying on my acts of service in Anandashram here, G. S. came here also. I was under the impression that he must have given up his bad habits, but some people who travelled with him in the same steamboat told me about his ways. Seeing that he had still not freed himself from his bad ways, I got extremely angry and in your presence spoke to him in stinging and contemptuous words. I told him that he should not in future step into the Ashram, and I further asked his friend, in whose company he came, not to bring this person when he came here the next time. From that time we have had no news of G. S.

O Purushottam Papa! When you wished to bring me into the world you gave me birth as a female, and therefore put me in the bondage of being always under the shelter of others. Moreover, you did not give me any education, nor had I any desire for learning in order to eke out my livelihood independently. On the contrary, when I was still young, you made me experience the happiness and suffering of worldly life, gave me children and also widowhood. In the case of widows, it is difficult for them to maintain themselves and to protect their physical purity. But how was it possible for one like me to live a life encumbered with children, under the care of others? However, you granted me the good fortune to live under the shelter of relatives like Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari who were to me like my own father and mother.

O Papa who is everywhere and yet transcendent! Keeping in view the prospect of merging myself soon into your infinite Being, I underwent with patience all the bitterness and sufferings in my life. Furthermore, I became also the victim of the persecution of evil-minded and carnally mad people. But after I received the Guru Mantra from you and came under your refuge, however much people tried to dishonour me, protector of the helpless as you are, you saved me from the annoyance of such people.