← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

11

Equal Vision

O PAPA, the ocean of kindness! When your devotees invited me to talk about you, I went to their homes and joined them also in their domestic work, considering it as your service in order to accelerate my spiritual progress. There I used to talk about you and Ram Nam.

Among the homes I visited, the principal one was that of Rame. Rame had an extraordinary faith in Ram Nam and she was repeating it almost all day and night without caring even for her meals. When I observed her condition at that time I was reminded how you were, as related by you, during the first year of your Sadhana. So whenever I met Rame I used to feel as happy as when I was with you. I was not at ease unless I went to her home daily and recounted to her your talks in the Ashram. Rame’s mother, Rukmabai, and mother-in-law, Lakshmi Devi, had great love for me. I was to them like their child. If Rukmabai fell ill she would like me alone to nurse her. Despite my engagement almost the whole day in your service and also of your other forms, all the while I was engrossed in talking about you alone. Yet my standing fear was not allayed. Consequently my desire to receive initiation of Ram Nam from you grew more and more powerful.

One day I came to you while you were preparing yourself for a rest in the forenoon. You saw me come to you in the hot sun when there was nobody else in the Ashram. You asked me, “Why have you come now?” On apprising you of my object you immediately initiated me with the holy Mantra: “Om Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram.”

O compassionate Papa! Accepting me as your child, you advised me in these words, “Repeat Ram Nam always and consider the service you do of anybody as the service and worship of Ram. This practice will easily enable you to realise your oneness with the Universal Being, Ram.”

O infinite Papa! After you initiated me with the Mantra, my love for your relatives grew more than before, so much so that my longing to see and serve them increased. Besides, within a short time of getting the Mantra, the feeling arose in me that you were my own. As my love for you enhanced, I began to look upon all beings as my own. Ultimately I came to love all people in the same way as I loved your relatives.

O all-pervading Papa! Whenever I visited the homes of certain devotees to converse with them about you, if I found any fault in the persons I met there, I would mentally pray to them, looking upon them as yourself, to be gracious enough not to make me pick faults in them any more. I would also, in the case of women, when I noticed defects, go to them when asleep and take the dust of their feet and pray to them to prevent me from seeing shortcomings in them. In the case of men, I would drink as Tirtha the water that dripped down on the floor from their legs when they came out of the bathroom to go into the house. This I used to do without their knowledge. If I found this was not possible I would drink as Tirtha the water flowing out of the gutter at the back of the bathroom while they were having a bath. At the same time I prayed to them not to make me see faults in them again. By this practice I arrived at a state in which I could not see any fault in anybody.

O omnipresent Papa! When anyone out of love for me made me speak, I feared I would be led away by my admiration for them and thereby cause delay in my realisation of your imperishable Being. I was praying from moment to moment to you that you should not permit this to happen.

O all-pervading Papa! I was in the habit of repeatedly praying that by your grace I should not have disgust for your harsh and fearful forms and attachment to your gentle and pleasing forms, and that you should soon dissolve me into your absolute Being.

O compassionate Papa! In response to my prayer you granted me the feeling that you were my own and all were my own, and also the experience that you were near me, however far you might be. Hence, when you went on the North Indian tour, my pain of separation from you was very much lessened.

O all-transcendent Papa! Although I was absorbed in your service while you were talking to your devotees, I could listen to all that you said. What you told your devotees used to revolve in my mind and dispel the doubts that harassed me from time to time. At times you were explaining at length all the states you passed through before you finally merged in the eternal Being of Godhead. Now I would listen to your discourses intently and reflect within myself as to what states I had passed through so far, what my state then was and what were the states I had yet to pass through. I then prayed that I should soon get through the states which I had not till then attained.

O universally-immanent Papa! You spoke further to the devotees, “If you think of your past state, your mind would remain behind and so progress onward would be impossible. Therefore give up all thoughts of the past and push forward.”

O Papa, the lover of devotees! Sometimes when I was repeating Ram Nam I would remember my relatives. I used to be agitated at heart on such occasions. Then you would tell me, “Since all are manifestations of Ram, don’t be upset when you remember your relatives. Take them as Ram Himself.”

You also told me to bring into my mind what I did from morn till eve, with whom I talked and what thoughts arose in my mind. Then, if anybody asked me a question I would tell him all that happened from morning till that time. At this, people used to get tired of me and would not talk to me at all. Thereafter I did not go into the past and so it became easy for me to take my mind forward until it was lost in you.

O Papa, the lover of the humble! You spoke, “When the aspiration is strong in your mind for getting realisation, that is the time to make an all round effort for it. If that opportunity is not availed of, you will never be sure of attaining Him in this life, however hard you may try.” So my desire became extremely strong to realise my oneness with the infinite Being as soon as possible.