← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

19

Clash of Opposites

O ALL-PERVADING Papa! In spite of your having given me the experience of bliss from the knowledge that you and I were one and that the whole universe was myself and mine, I did not experience such bliss and peace while I was engaged in work as I did while sitting or lying down. I asked myself the question, “How is it that I cannot feel the same joy while I am engaged in work as I get while I quietly sit doing no work?” If the two states, that is, rest and activity, did not synchronise, I feared I might fall back into the same state as I had when I was at Dharwar.

O Papa, the ocean of grace! When you had kept me body-conscious, even though I did not know who I was, while I was doing work for my own sake, I felt that my body, “I” and the work were the same. So I prayed to you to give me the experience which would enable me to maintain, while I am active, the same joy I had while I was oblivious of the external world through oneness with you.

O infinite Papa! As I did not have so much joy in activity as in inactivity, sometimes I used to see faults in you such as, that you loved some greatly and you did not at all love some others. When some committed any mistake, you used to scold them, but would not scold others who committed the same mistake. In some cases you showed preference by giving them what they wanted without their asking for it, whereas in other cases you were not giving even when they asked for it. When some were laid up with illness you were taking every care of them. On the other hand, you were totally indifferent to others in the same condition. When I noticed such differences in you I would object and raise a controversy with you.

O all-pervading Papa! Whenever you read the Puranas, if I heard any censure of women who were held responsible for obstructions in the way of men’s Sadhana, and any passing references to the weaknesses of women, I would get enraged and would say that just as women were a hindrance, so also men were a hindrance to women in their Sadhana. In fact, there is little justification for either men or women criticising each other adversely. The downfall of either is solely due to his or her own mental weaknesses. I further debated with you that if one possessed intense desire to realise oneness with you, nobody could stand in one’s way, be it a man or a woman.

O Papa, the ocean of kindness! I was strongly opposing your viewpoint when you held out before us the qualities of a Jnani, such as compassion, forgiveness and peace, and at the same time speaking of the opposite qualities found in an Ajnani. I would contend that even Jnanis possessed the qualities which you saw in Ajnanis. I argued that it was not wrong that there should be in the Jnani the qualities of the Ajnani. In the Jnani there should be all qualities, if not, he cannot be perfect. Since the Jnani is everything and beyond everything, how could it be possible for him to have only good qualities and still be perfect? Although during Puja the right hand is used, considering it to be more auspicious, it is not possible to do Namaskar to God without using also the left hand. You made me use my good qualities to draw my mind within, in order to merge in you; you made me also use my bad qualities, the six enemies, to subdue the outgoing tendencies of the mind instead of using them against others.

O Papa, the giver of bliss! Before you made me one with you, you showed me the various modifications of desire, wrath, greed, attachment, pride and envy – the complete Lila of these six enemies. Thereafter you directed my desire and wrath, which were pursuing perishable happiness, to flow towards the imperishable happiness. So my desire was transformed into an intense longing to realise your infinite and eternal Being. Whenever any obstacle presented itself within me against the fulfilment of my desire, anger became a help. The greed that obsessed me when I was of the world, aided in not minimising to the least extent my intense longing to become one with your infinite Being. The attachment I had at first for my relatives now rushed like a stream towards your eternal Being.

O all-pervading Papa! When my keen longing to realise you increased in vigour, the pride in me which was there before, gave place to divine intoxication through unceasing communion with your Being. When I was trying day and night to merge myself in your Being, any thought of the world would drag the mind to the lower levels. Whenever any thought other than of yourself entered the mind, I would feel envious of you.

O omnipresent Papa! in this manner, having triumphed over all the difficulties that confronted me, you made me practise seeing you in all beings and thereby granted me the experience of your immutable, static and eternal Being.

O love-incarnate Papa! On account of the quarrels ensuing from our controversies, you used to get angry and give up talking, observe fasts and run away often in the nights to the top of the hill. On such occasions, either I or others would go up to you and bring you back to the Ashram by apologising. However much you got angry with me, since you are my mother, I used thereafter to speak to you with love as before. On your part you would also forget the past and treat me with the same love as previously. Even then, I did not give up my contumacy.

O Papa! You are really an ocean of grace. I found out at last that you were in all things opposing my views and acts and controverting me with the object of granting me the Sahaja state. Your wish was to give me bliss and peace equally in both these conflicting opposites. You gave me the full understanding in a short time why you were acting as you did.

Although all the limbs of my body from head to foot are different from each other and their functions are different in nature, still I look upon the body as myself. In the same way you made me experience that you exist as the universe with its various forms, calling yourself by different names and doing actions in different ways, and that all these are myself and I am beyond them.

O blissful Papa! When you first brought me into the world you made me think that I was only a body. In that state I would treat my body as I liked – at one time I would treat it with attention and at other times with inattention. For instance, if I got even a small hurt in any part of my body I would take very great care of it, whereas when I fell ill I would not take any notice of it. Living in this way, I had no anxiety whether I did any work for my body or not, and yet my love for the body when I did nothing for it even when needed remained constant. Moreover, when I did not feel the difference between myself and the work done for the sake of my own body, the moment the work was finished I was not bound by the action. Whenever I did anything, the action did not leave behind any impression and so I remained unattached and ever free.

O compassionate Papa! Similarly, you made me realise that I am the entire universe and whether I do any service to anybody or not, I have equal love for all and I am not bound by what I do or do not do. Now I found that I have the same joy in both action and inaction. It was to give me this experience that you debated with me so much.