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Self-Surrender

O INFINITE Papa! When I was a child, yourself in the form of my father used to say, whenever he helped his relatives, “By your command”. I could not at the time understand the meaning of the word “command”. But when I grew up and went to Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, who is your form, I observed that all the people who came to see him were using this word out of respect for him. It is possible that my father was also using this word out of respect for Srimat Pandurangashram Swami when he went for his Darshan.

Srimat Pandurangashram Swami treated all the members of the community of which he was the spiritual head with love, as a father would his own children. In the same manner my father was helping, as much as possible, his poor and helpless relatives as his own children, until they were able to stand on their own feet.

O ocean of kindness! The love that my father learnt through Srimat Pandurangashram Swami was extended not merely to his relatives but also to guests and the paid servants in the house. For example, in our house there was then a servant by name Buddhiya, belonging to Buddha’s religion. He was engaged for bringing water from the well for the household use. When father saw Buddhiya tired after his work was over, he would pat him on the back and ask, “Are you very much tired?” And he would talk to him with all tenderness and love. In those days usually the servants were not treated well. When my father spoke to them lovingly, their fatigue would disappear and they would feel happy. Whenever I saw father speaking to anybody with love, my joy would be boundless. So I was very keenly watching his way of treating the servants and also the visitors. My observation of father’s loving nature helped me in my internal progress and elevation.

O Papa, the ocean of grace! Even after paying visits to the Math of Sri Siddharudha Swami I did not give up my doubts about his accumulation of wealth or about saints having more love for one and less for another. As my mind had become just like that of a child, the moment I came into your presence, love and reverence automatically sprang up in my heart. Even then, sometimes when I saw you in the form of saints, I was troubled by these doubts about them. Therefore, I was not able to understand the behaviour of saints. Although I had love for them, yet I was afraid of them.

O all-pervading Papa! Gradually, increasing in my heart the power of love in order to dispel my doubts, you drew me to yourself. At the time, you were free from anger and had no attachment to anything. You had also no habit of storing up things. Whenever I brought to you eatables or clothes from Sundari, you were no doubt accepting them, but the next time I came to you, you were not in possession of them.

You were preaching, “You ought to see Ram in both good and evil. He is in both and also beyond both. He is without beginning and end. He is static, immutable, omnipresent, immanent and transcendent. He is ever immutable and also ever changing. The embodiment of love is He. The embodiment of hate is also He. Yet He is beyond both. Therefore, whether we see good or evil, we ought to see Ram in both. In all bodies and forms the player is He.”

This is what you taught and I was thrown into confusion. I could not make out the meaning when you said, “One should have both good and bad in him, and also he must be beyond both as otherwise he cannot be complete or perfect.” But I saw very little of bad in you. Besides, in the saints I met, even though it be for raising us, they had the nature of accumulating things and were also giving themselves away to wrath. But I found that you were lacking in these qualities. Then in whom should I have faith? From whom should I keep away?

O compassionate Papa! Feeling that if I remained entangled in these doubts I would not be able to realise the state beyond the pairs of opposites, you in so many forms, pestered me with a view to break my vow of chastity and thus paved the way for me to come out from the fetters of the household life. Understanding that if I got entrapped in the pairs of opposites, my state would be like that of one who stood with each foot in a separate boat, I decided to follow your advice and go forward on the path. Now, whenever the opposites confused me I would place the matter before you. Then, in consoling words you would tell me, “Do the Japa of Ram Nam without stoppage. If the pairs of opposites harass you, take them as Ram Himself.”

In this way, as I marched on the path, I attained the experience that you pervaded all beings and also dwelt in me. Then in my heart awakened perfect love for you.

O Papa, the giver of bliss! By augmenting my love for you, you made me one with your eternal Being, followed by the experience that I am the whole universe and also beyond it. Now I came to know the secret of the pairs of opposites which held me in their clutches almost from my birth.