← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

14

Mother-Love

O PAPA who is all and beyond all! There were some mothers in the compartment in which I sat. They asked me many questions as to who I was and where I was going. To all of them I answered in terms of Ram. From this they thought that my mind was deranged. However, they offered me some eatables which they had but I did not accept them. I duly reached Pune where I took a cup of tea and then entrained for Bombay where I arrived at the scheduled time.

O Papa, the ocean of compassion! As the people at home at Dharwar had wired to Bombay to our relative, Balse Sadashiv Rao, his elder sister’s son had come to the station with a car to take me to his home. The moment I sat in the car I pressed the young man to receive the money I had with me. But as he did not accept it, I threw it out of the fast running car so that someone who was in need of it might pick it up.

Seeing this, the young man questioned, “Why have you thrown away the money? Shall I stop the car for recovering it?”

I told him, “I flung it out so that any needy person may have it. So you had better not stop the car.” What feeling you gave me while receiving the money, the same feeling you retained within me when I rejected it.

O Papa, the ocean of kindness! I prayed to you that in all situations you should keep my mind in this well balanced state and not allow it to sink to lower levels.

O omnipresent Papa! I reached the home of Balse Sadashiv Rao where I was treated with all love. There I expressed my desire to see my younger sisters, Sumitra and Shanti. So the same evening I went to the home of Lajmi Ramakrishna Rao, the husband of Shanti. Thereafter I went to the homes of those who invited me or of those whom I wished to meet. In the circumstances, you in those forms were treating me with great love and in some other forms you were mocking at me, but I was indifferent to both. I stopped mostly at Udipi Sanjiv Rao’s home. You had been acquainted with him for a long time and used to stay with him whenever you visited Bombay. Sanjiv Rao and his wife, Lakshmi Devi, treated me with all affection as though I were their own daughter.

O infinite Papa! I once visited the home of my junior aunt’s son, Udiyavar Dattatreya. At the time, Dr. Rama Rao was residing at Colaba. Dattatreya told me that he was going to the doctor’s home and if I wished I could accompany him. As I too had a desire to see the doctor, Sundari and children, I went with him. They welcomed me with love and hospitality. But there I was mostly moving about alone, all the time doing the Japa of Ram Nam. The same day I returned to Udiyavar Dattatreya’s house.

O Papa, the ocean of compassion! As Dattatreya, you suggested to me that it was not proper for me to travel alone from place to place. To this I replied, “Let it be as you say. I will do as willed by Ram.”

So from Udiyavar Dattatreya’s home I returned to Lajmi Ramakrishna Rao. There I found Ganesh and Narayan with Bhavaniakka, who had come to Bombay with the children during their Diwali holidays. When I had gone to Sundari’s place, her children Indu and Nalini, who were very fond of me, stubbornly insisted upon coming with me. In two or three days Sundari took them back to her house. Whenever I visited homes in response to their invitations I used to take Ganesh and Narayan with me.

O kindness-incarnate Papa! When the people in Lajmi’s home came to know that I was to go to you, they were very much ruffled about it. Some of them tried their best to prevent me from going to your Ashram by renouncing them all. They questioned me, “What would be the fate of your children?”

I had the firm conviction that after the death of my husband, Dr. Rama Rao and his wife Sundari had become the parents of Ganesh and Narayan and that they would protect and bring them up with all love and care. So I assured them that I had not the least anxiety about my children.

I further told them, “If necessary an ayah could be employed to look after them and what would have to be spent on me may be spent on her. All the service which I may render to the children will be done by the ayah. Nobody can do for me the Sadhana that would lead me to the realisation of oneness with Papa’s eternal Being. Even if you wish to do this for me it is not possible for you.”

The people at home now definitely believed that I was giving up the home and they became anxious on this score. But, owing to your unlimited grace, my mind did not waver and I decided upon the course I had set myself. Yet, my longing to come to you not being so strong, I had to pass some more days in Bombay.

O infinite Papa! Meanwhile, Udipi Sanjiv Rao received a letter from Rame’s husband, Trikannad Chandrashekhar, that you had taken the vows of fast and silence. On hearing this news I thought how it would be possible for me to be corrected by you and receive instructions for realising my oneness with you if you observed the vow of silence. However, I resolved to be with you as soon as possible. I was keen on listening to your spiritual advice and acting up to it. At the time I had not the least feeling that I was renouncing my home because by your grace I had the vision that the universe was my home, and that travelling from one place to another was like passing from one room to another in the same house.

O all-pervading Papa! When this was my mental attitude I wrote you a letter in which I said, “O Mother, my sole aim in life is to merge my little self in your infinite and eternal Being. I can never live separated from you. Therefore, in future, giving up my household life, I shall spend my nights on the hills. For the maintenance of my body, as I do not like mendicancy, I shall join with the sweepers and scavengers or share with washerwomen or utensil cleaners in their work, and with what little food I get from them I will be content. At other times I shall engage myself in your service and in listening to your discourse.” I took two copies of this letter one of which I posted to you and the other I handed over to Sundari.

O Papa, the omnipresent! On reading this letter Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari gave me a reply reading, “Just as you consider Papa as your mother and you strongly wish to be with him, so also your children ardently wish you, their mother, to be near them.” But I paid no attention to this remark.

O Papa, the giver of bliss! You as my brother Dattatreya, prompted Ganesh and Narayan to tell me that they were determined to accompany me wherever I went. To this I told them, “If you both wish to come with me you may by all means do so. I can do your service as well. For feeding you I shall give you a share of what I obtain from my work. You have to know that our lives are not intended solely for eating and learning but for realising our identity with the eternal Being – God.”

When they heard me saying this they were frightened and said, “We don’t want to go with you because we have to attend to our studies at school.”

O love-incarnate Papa! Later, light dawned in me that you caused the above incident to happen with a view to test me. That is why you made Ganesh and Narayan speak as they did. The test was whether I really aspired for your real and imperishable Being or I had still attachment for your perishable forms. I prayed that you should never test me in this manner in future. If you had not made me stand your test there would have been no hope for my ultimate triumph in the attainment of my goal.

O Papa, the embodiment of bliss! Shanti questioned me thus, “You are calling every one as your mother. Is not the one who gave you birth also your mother? Are you not going to see her on your way to the Ashram?”

At this suggestion I started with Sumitra to go to Bhatkal for seeing my mother. There were others in our company who were acquainted with us and were also going to Kasaragod. To see me off both Ganesh and Narayan came with us as far as the docks. When we arrived at the docks we found there a Sannyasini (who was also yourself), ready to board the steamer. Her many devotees had come to garland her. I was at the time dressed in a sari of orange colour presented to me by a friend. The moment I saw the Sannyasini I prayed to you, “Do not allow me to fall a victim to external glamour. What I want is the experience of your immortal existence and the consequent bliss. Don’t grant me any other wish than this. Also don’t let me reveal in any way externally my inner experience of your everlasting Being when I get it.”

O all-pervading Papa! On board the steamer I cast looks towards the docks and saw both Ganesh and Narayan shedding tears. At this sight, for some time I gave way to uncontrollable grief But immediately after, my sorrow disappeared and my mind, freed from the confusion, was restored to tranquillity.

O immanent Papa! When I reached Bhatkal, my mother, on seeing me, felt untold joy. Here I planned to stay for only three days. So my relatives and friends arranged to feed me with sweets and choice dishes. I also joined them in their culinary activities. Some among them, learning that I would soon be going to your place, warned me tauntingly in these words, “What is the sense of your knocking about alone? So many women have lost their honour by going about as you intend doing.”

To this I heatedly retorted, “Imagine, how many women living in your families were unable to remain pure. How was it you could not save them? Were they not all living inside the four walls of their homes? Do give up the false notion that a woman can preserve her chastity by remaining at home. If dishonour is to come to a woman it will happen wherever she is.” Hearing me the critics softened and became silent.

O Papa, the storehouse of compassion! As my Ram Nam Japa gained more and more force, I preferred to be away from the company of people. I used to say that if I were prevented from going to Papa, I would, rather than remaining at home, spend my days walking about on the seashore. Sumitra, interpreting my words incorrectly, thought that I intended to jump into the sea and end my life, and told my mother so. Now, when I asked my mother’s opinion about my intention to go and stay with you, she at once said, “Do what you will. Appayya Samarth will protect you.”