← Mother KrishnabaiHer autobiography

20

I Am the Universe

O ALL-PERVADING Papa! Having granted me the vision of the entire universe and that which is beyond it, you gave me bliss and peace equally in the active and inactive states. So when I was in a state of movement, that is, when doing work, my mind remained steady and equalised when I was loving one and not another; when I did not give anyone when he asked for anything he needed and gave to another of my own accord; when I did not scold even when anybody committed a mistake but scolded another when he committed the same mistake; when anybody was ill in bed, though necessary, I did not give any attention to him, while with great love I took care of another who was ill. Since the whole universe is myself I act differently with different people. Just as with regard to my body itself, when I was body-conscious, I was sometimes doing work necessary for it at one time and totally abstained from doing anything for it at another.

O Purushottam Papa! From my childhood I had heard from others and also from stories from books that to saints and saintly people all were equal and in them there was no greed and attachment. But in all the saints that I had seen there was one or other of these frailties. Therefore, instead of having a good opinion about them, when I saw or heard about saints, though I used to feel a kind of joy in their presence, I was afraid of them.

O Papa, the giver of bliss! In order to remove my misconception about saints, you made me come to Kasaragod in your presence. When I came there I heard you describing the state of the immortal Reality free from the pairs of opposites, beyond the Trigunas, and transcendent, static and immutable. Moreover, you told me that if I truly loved all beings, believing that Ram dwelt in them, then only it should be considered that I really loved Ramdas. On my listening to these words of enlightenment, since you were like the wish-fulfilling cow, Kamadhenu, you fixed me in this state of equality as I wished. In fact, I had prayed to you from the beginning that you should not only give me the experience of your eternal existence, but also enable me to realise in all things and their movements the integral, perfect and immanent Divinity.

While I was praying like this I knew that in the world there is the play of dualities such as good and bad, truth and untruth, love and hate, peace and conflict, like and dislike, fame and obloquy, etc. Just as all the several parts of our body are necessary in their respective places and they do not undergo any change after our realising the Self, similarly, it is not possible for anybody even after God-realisation to give up his good and bad qualities on the manifest plane. But the manner in which they are used will be different. At first a person uses the good qualities for himself and his bad qualities against others. After realising the Atman the person uses all these qualities for himself alone as the Virat Purusha. As we do not look upon ourselves with hate and jealousy, so also, after we attain the vision of the Eternal, it is not possible for us to hate anyone, as that one is none other than our own self. Since you are manifest in entirety in all beings, we cannot imagine that we could see you only in what we like and not in what we dislike. Otherwise we have to admit that there is a power other than you, and therefore we have to take you as imperfect. Therefore, if we want to realise you as perfect, we have to see you alone in all beings and things, good or bad.

O Sadguru Papa! I was praying from the beginning that I should have a Guru who had the experience of a married and worldly life, having wife and children, and also advanced in age. Besides, I wanted him to be one who led a spiritual life, having renounced the worldly life. The reason is that even Shankaracharya who was a Jnani, in order to gain worldly experience, had to enter the dead body of a king.

O beginningless and endless Papa! When I first came to you, you were of a peaceful and compassionate nature and entirely free from wrath. At this, doubts used to arise in my mind like waves. Since the quality of anger was absent in you, how could I take you to be perfect? If perfect, how was it you did not possess anger?

O compassionate Papa! Once when I returned from home to the Ashram I found you angry with Rukmabai. Seeing this I came to know that you were really perfect, and this discovery yielded me untold joy. Then I wished that you should also get angry with me and that I should continue to love you as when you treated me with affection. So also, this love and reverence of mine should be there for all others, who are your forms, even when they get angry with me. This was my prayer to you. On reflection we know that sometimes we get angry and condemn and find fault with ourselves but the next moment our anger subsides and we get back to our usual mood of love and kindness towards ourselves. Similarly, after I gained the experience that I am the universe, I scold those who walk on the wrong path and yet love them.

O Papa, the giver of bliss! You gave me the experience, in fulfilment of my prayer, of your eternal Being. When I had the body-idea, even though I could not give up the good and bad in me, I loved myself. Similarly, now I love all beings in the universe as they are myself. Even if there are shortcomings in some of them, since they are myself, I cannot possibly be unloving towards them. After you gave me the experience of my oneness with you, who is all and beyond all, my attitude towards you in my dynamic being is that of a child towards its mother, bereft of any sense of duality.

O Papa, the beginningless and the endless! Do grant me the discriminative faculty to express how you and I performed actions after I realised my oneness with you, and how I carried on my activities before I attained this consciousness.

Before the aspiration sprang up in me for realising your immortal Being, that is, when I thought that I was only a body, I was doing all actions looking upon all beings and creatures as different from each other. But when I came to you, in a short time after I received initiation of the Mantra, I got the vision, “All is yourself”.

O love-incarnate Papa! After initiation of the Mantra, instead of calling the body as “I”, I thought I could use the term “Krishnabai”, so that my ego-sense might soon disappear. You had from the beginning adopted this method when you referred to yourself. When I adopted the same method you became the object of mockery to some people. Then I thought within myself that whether I say, “Krishnabai is doing it” or “I am doing it”, in both cases the doer is yourself. So I did not see any difference between “Krishnabai” and “I”. Whatever way I expressed myself thereafter, it was all the transcendent Papa who is the same in all, whether I said “I”, “you” or “others”.